Monday, May 27, 2013

MY MUM

My mum passed away on 6.5.13. No matter how you brace yourself, nothing could prepare the emotional turmoil when it happens.

I vividly remember the evening of 22.4.13 when mum held both my hands said “Imun – wait for me, yes?” and I replied “Yes – I’ll wait for you” but not understanding what it meant. Half an hour later the maid called as mum insisted to be bathed yet again. I bathed her and coaxed her and that was to be her last bath. By isyak she went into a coma and was hospitalized in ICU for 14 days. Her health recovered slowly although it fluctuated due to virus but after antibiotic and a pint of blood she seemed to recover. Doctors told us that mum would be transferred to normal ward pending availability of bed.

I kicked myself for taking that as road to recovery when all the while in the hospital mum was hinting that her end is near. She kept on insisting me to take her home to my house. And she said several times “dah datang dah”. Another day she kept on telling me that she had to eat alone as there was nobody around. Her last two days she asked for kain pelikat to give out one each.
A few months prior, there had been flare-ups on her part. I tried to control her food intake due to her diabetic and wrote all food consumed and blood test as instructed by doctor but that caused tension. My relaxed attitude with the maid infuriated her. My frequent going out for meetings and training irritated her as I am supposed to be retired. She expected me to understand her unspoken wants which I don't and that annoyed her. The long-wait hospital appointments tired her. Our jokes & giggles due to her forgetfulness and incontinent were met with a curt “you just wait your time will come” with an added “kucing tak bertanduk ke belakang” for good measure to stamp her disapproval. Her sense of humor came down to nought. Her deteriorating memory loss and forgetting mid-sentence angered her. As a result, I became quiet and always retreated to my room.
Mum lamented that her grandchildren rarely visited her. Every weekend she would sit on the chair facing the front window. I discreetly sms to my nieces and nephews but I guess they were busy.
I went through an emotional see-saw. The initial grief took the form of guilt – I wished I had done more, been more patient and sensitive, had expressed myself more, understood and entertained her more and the feeling that I had not done enough engulfed me and the ultimate guilt was not being with her on her last breathe. Thanks to family members and friends I came out of that bout of guilt. Yesterday I looked at all her future hospital appointments – diabetic, oncology, surgery, footcare, physiotherapy, heart, eye, blood & urine test - and I broke down again. I am now grieving for her and missing her. Al-fatihah.

2 comments:

  1. And 10 days after that her brother come with her. That's the end of Nik Daud's children. I wish i could be there with him..

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  2. Dear Farhana
    Yes you get that correct - unfortunately that's the end of the Nik Daud siblings. But remember we still have Nik Yaakub siblings who are also our aunts who should be treated like a mother - Cik Ah and Cik Ani.

    I wish you well as you embarked on your journey on motherhood.

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