Saturday, December 30, 2017

2013 - 2017

Its been 4 years since I post in my blog. I remember too vividly how devastated I was when mum passed away on 6 May 2013. I have no will to write in my diary until I found solace in summarizing the 30 Juz of the holy Quran. After sharing the summary in my blog I stopped.

Life goes on. A lot have happened since then and the most significant were the umrah I did with my two sons, the marriage of my adorable Angah to the love of his life, and the marriage of my beloved Along to his soulmate. It was difficult at first to let go.

My heart was torn between being happy for them and the sense of loss of the contented and carefree days with my two boys. I was naive as to expect it to be the way we were.
I felt one disappointment after another and to my mind this is not what I expected. I shed so much tears of sadness for life that will not be as it was. I felt rejected and an excruciating emptiness in my heart. At that time a lot of things do not make sense.

Alhamdulillah things have settled and I have fewer expectations and let go of the need to manage my kids' life. It gets easier but still work in progress. Now we are happy when they are happy.

We have accepted that as parents we are no more their centre of gravity as they are now starting another nucleus of their own. They have their own preference and wants which may not be in line with what we expect, our story is no more their story, our advice old fashioned and outdated, our house is no more home as they have theirs, and friends are their first choice they turn to.

There's a quote that said "A mother's job is to teach her children to not need her anymore. The hardest part of that job is accepting success". It is ironic that we want them to be independent and have a life but at the same time we want them to still need us and consider our house their home.

Semoga anak-anakku Khairil, Shahrina, Kamil, Elena & Khairina menjadi orang yang soleh dan bertaqwa, dan diberi rahmat dan diberkati Allah swt dan sentiasa dibawah lindunganNya.