I vividly remember the evening of 22.4.13 when mum held both my hands said “Imun – wait for me, yes?” and I replied “Yes – I’ll wait for you” but not understanding what it meant. Half an hour later the maid called as mum insisted to be bathed yet again. I bathed her and coaxed her and that was to be her last bath. By isyak she went into a coma and was hospitalized in ICU for 14 days. Her health recovered slowly although it fluctuated due to virus but after antibiotic and a pint of blood she seemed to recover. Doctors told us that mum would be transferred to normal ward pending availability of bed.
I kicked
myself for taking that as road to recovery when all the while in the hospital mum was hinting that her end is near. She kept on insisting me to take her home to my house.
And she said several times “dah datang dah”. Another
day she kept on telling me that she had to eat alone as there was nobody
around. Her last two days she asked for kain pelikat to give out one
each.
A few months prior, there had been flare-ups on her part. I tried to control her food
intake due to her diabetic and wrote all food
consumed and blood test as instructed by doctor but that caused tension. My relaxed attitude with the maid infuriated her. My
frequent going out for meetings and training irritated her as I am supposed to be
retired. She expected me to understand her unspoken wants which I don't and that annoyed her. The long-wait hospital
appointments tired her. Our jokes & giggles due
to her forgetfulness and incontinent were met with a curt “you just wait your
time will come” with an added “kucing tak bertanduk ke belakang” for good measure
to stamp her disapproval. Her sense of humor came down to nought. Her deteriorating memory loss and forgetting mid-sentence angered her. As a result,
I became quiet and always retreated to my room.
Mum lamented that
her grandchildren rarely visited her. Every weekend she would sit on the chair
facing the front window. I discreetly sms to my nieces and nephews but I guess
they were busy.
I went
through an emotional see-saw. The initial grief took the form of guilt – I
wished I had done more, been more patient and sensitive, had expressed myself more, understood
and entertained her more and the feeling that I had not done enough engulfed
me and the ultimate guilt was not being with her on her last breathe. Thanks to family members and friends I came out of that bout of guilt.
Yesterday I looked at all her future hospital appointments – diabetic, oncology,
surgery, footcare, physiotherapy, heart, eye, blood & urine test - and I
broke down again. I am now grieving for her and missing her. Al-fatihah.
